Hi. I finished a marathon (26.2 miles or 42.2 km). Mostly for mental health. Sometimes I think we put ourselves through a certain kind of pain as a deal with a higher power. “I can handle this pain. I can handle this. So please, don’t make me live through the other pain. Not again.” That was the prayer at every mile.
And I’ll run another marathon. And another. Whatever I have to do. To not feel this anymore.
Photo by Nahid Hatami on Unsplash
He Was Happy
Content warning: self harm
It’s morning when I get the call from mom.
“Your baby brother...”
The corporate team watches me startle and gasp into the phone. I have to go. I have to go.
I hold the past and present in my arms from Wall Street to LaGuardia to O’Hare to Wisconsin. Holding tight to a world where the future hasn’t yet arrived. Where all I have to do is hop on that plane, and fix it. I can fix it.
[“If you truly love those people as much as you claim to.”]*
I stare down the horizon while something that has splintered ricochets around my chest and tears at the rest of me. I nurse the ripping, pinching pain knowing that his heart is broken, too. His blood pressure keeps falling, they say. And falling. And falling. I sip air into creaky lungs. There are people on this plane. I can’t cry. I can’t cry. But I think. If I hadn’t gotten him a phone, would he have seen those comments.
[“Adopted identities.”]
If I hadn’t gotten him a computer for school, would he have read those words.
[“Those people.”]
His heart. This was the kid. Who picked a beetle up from the rain. And stood against the wind to give it shelter.
[“Those people.”]
This was the teen. Who would not listen. When I pleaded with him to put up walls. Because he loved his neighbor too much to block them out.
[“Those people.”]
But what does a soul who rescues trapped porch moths know about putting up walls? What does a soul who shines brightly at strangers know about pushing people away? It was never in his nature.
I can fix this. Finally, I stand at the hospital room door, my feet planted at the threshold, holding the future behind me. A grim reaper trying to enter. Don’t come in. We stay here. We make a trade. A future for a future. Listen. No, listen. I don’t want mine. I don’t want mine.
[“No.”]
Please, I’m right here. Don’t come in. See, my heart doesn’t work either.
[“No trans kids.”]
And he was happy.
He was happy.
[“No.”]
He was happy.
[“There are no trans kids.”]
Please.
*Bracketed excerpts are from fiction writers in our community and J.K. Rowling.




Thank you for sharing this with us. My heart aches. Your strength is incredible. Your brother is beautiful, and the best among us. I hope many people read this.
My whole heart to you and him. 🏳️⚧️ Trans rights are human rights 🏳️⚧️
We must unite against these opinions that are not based in reality and get to a future where all humans can live together in mutual respect. Feeling extra frustrated we have not gotten there yet.